Monday, June 8, 2009

For the love of Gladys Kravitz

Most people who know me know that children aren't my favorite things. I have purposely not had any kids because I find them really annoying.
So imagine my chagrin when I discovered last summer that I was moving into a neighborhood that had a plethora of humans under the age of 16. No joke - there are at least 35 kids between the ages of 2 and 14 that live within a 3 block radius of my house. And I live a half block away from a park, and 4 blocks away from an elementary school. So basically I'm fucked.
This past year I've had to deal with the horrible raspy sounds of skateboards, razor scooters, big wheels, wagons, trikes etc; little people tearing off stalks of my bamboo to use as swords; that summertime creeptastic ice cream truck "music" playing every warm night; young boys pretending the key pad lock on my house was a secret agent spy thing and accidentally (astonishingly) figuring out my actual lock code and opening my door while I wasn't home(!); and just in general the constant sound of laughter and joyful screaming that I'm sure some people find charming but I HATE.
I've complained about these things with my fellow childless neighbors hoping to get some sympathy and have been met with fairly unsympathetic shoulder shrugs and head shakes. And as this summer approaches and the sun sets later, all of these activities are increasing and threatening to drive me crazy.

Tonight I reached my limit and went into full-on Gladys Kravitz mode. Two boys around 8 years old or so kept on walking up and down the block gathering various branches and long sticks for God knows what. All of a sudden they stopped in front of one of the elm trees in my part of lawn. Our young trees all have support posts that they're tied to, to you know, SUPPORT them. I watched in horror as these kids untied the twine holding the post to the tree and then preceded to rock the post back and forth until they wrenched it out of the ground!!
I was out of my house and racing around the corner within a minute screaming at the kids to put my post back. Meanwhile one of the kids' mothers who was sitting on her porch came down to the sidewalk and started yelling at me to stop yelling at her son. And it. Was. ON!

Needless to say I don't think I'm one of the favorite ladies in the neighborhood now.

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