14 Reasons Why the New "Melrose Place" Sucks

1. Shaun Sipos (David) acts with his furrowed brow and not much else.
2. Ashlee Simpson's (sorry, Ashlee Simpson Wentz's) acting style seems to involve looking "aloof" and/or constantly thinking about her nose job.
3. Katie Cassidy wants to be Heather Locklear so badly it's not funny. I don't know if this bad knock-off performance was the producers idea or her own motivation but she needs to quit it. Now.
4. Katie Cassidy's character Ella is shocker of shockers a LESBIAN. Ooooh edgy.
5. Michael Rady is no Andrew Shue. (Small favors - at least he's not inflicting a horrible "Greek" accent on us like he did in the Traveling Pants movies)
6. Stephanie Jacobsen is one of the few English/Aussie actors that can't do a convincing American accent.
7. Speaking of Jacobsen, her character had one of the most ridiculous B stories on tonight's premier: She plays a doctor? Who's still in medical school and can't afford the tuition so I guess she isn't a doctor yet? But she works in a hospital and not only isn't supervised by any resident or attending but also has heart patients that she diagnoses and treats? And if they wanted to do this whole money problem stuff why couldn't she just be struggling with student loans like every other new doctor? And then to have a perfectly decent seeming character, who is nice, smart, and incredibly good-looking offer this chick $5K to sleep with him? The hell? And she does it?! Such poor writing.
8. Why would someone automatically think that a square red leather box, just lying on their friend's dining room table, contained an engagement ring? Nothing about the box screamed I HAVE A DIAMOND RING IN HERE. Once again really clumsy writing.
9. The clunky exposition fairy that graced the scene between Ashley Simpson-Wentz's character and Colin Egglesfield's Auggie that went something like this - "We met at church." "Oh, are you very religious?" "No. We met in the basement, you know, AA meeting." "She was the first one to encourage me to be a chef." WORST. Writing. Ever.
10. David blacks out? And is an art thief?
11. This whole season is going to revolve around the plot of who killed Sydney Andrews?
12. Your landlady is murdered that morning, and at the impromptu memorial service that you have that evening at the site of her murder you act as if she just moved away to New Mexico instead of being stabbed to death by an unknown assailant who is still on the loose.
13. They fill the pool with a garden hose?!
14. Not enough Sydney Andrews (Laura Leighton in full-effect evil Mrs. Roper style).