Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Some thoughts on "Abduction"

Or should I say ABduction, because Taylor Lautner's chest was out of control in this movie. I know it's cliche and totally pervy for someone my age, old enough to be his mother, to have inappropriate lustful thoughts about Taylor Lautner, but damn he truly is a beautiful specimen of man.

I saw this film on Sunday with a 15 year old teenage girl who appropriately gushed all over Lautner and the movie. She loved it, and if that's the producers' target audience I think they should do well.
And while I was entertained for the 90 minutes, I did have SERIOUS issues with the ridiculous timeline it followed, and I had a hard time ignoring the inconsistencies.So allow me to rant a little.

The folks in this movie live in nice suburban Pennsylvania outside of Pittsburgh. I was actually really excited to see a movie set in this part of the country; I've got family in that area and it really is a great place to live and it was nice to see Pittsburgh get exposure, instead of NYC or even Philadelphia.
Without getting too spoilerish, here's the sequence of events that set off our story of two teens on the run from the CIA and Russian terrorists:
  • Sometime around 6 or 7 in the evening (assumed because it's after school and around dinner time but only sort of dark out) Lautner and Lily Collins' characters fight Russians and watch Lautner's house blow up. They take off on a motorcycle to a hospital to have a cut on Lily's arm patched up.
  • Shenanigans ensue at the hospital, but they were there long enough to get her arm fixed, for him to call 911 and get freaked out by the CIA and then Sigourney Weaver hustles our teens out in her BMW (which by the way was a HUGE sponsor of this movie). I'll be generous and say that this whole post-house explosion hospital stuff only took an hour but either way, when Sigourney drives off with our teens, it's at least 8pm. As she drives them towards the edge of town Weaver instructs them to get their asses to a secret apartment in Arlington, VA and lay low. 
  • Sigourney's car is followed and attacked but the kids jump out in time and start running through the woods. They camp and sleep at the base of a tree. They wake the next morning. Even if we're supposed to believe it's early, at least 9 hours has passed. 
  • The kids then hitch a ride in a 18-wheeler to Arlington; which is a suburb of Washington, D.C., and even if that truck was hauling ass, there's no way that they're making that drive in under 4 hours. So we're now talking a minimum of them being on the run for 13 hours.A minimum.
  • Once in VA they take time to shop for new clothes, shower and change in the apartment and Lautner finds clues about his parents. Again, there's no way they could have done all of this in less than 2 hours, but I'll suspend my disbelief and give them only an hour. But we're definitely talking about the middle of day 2 at this point.
  • The kids find a clue and have to go to a cemetery. Here's where my young companion and I disagreed; I said that the film infers that they drove (in a BMW natch) back to Pittsburgh to go to this cemetery; the teen thinks that the grave was somewhere in Arlington. Either way, afterwards they figure out they have to ditch the car and get to Nebraska, so they arrange a meeting with their high school friend back in Pittsburgh, who gives them fake IDs so that they can continue their journey. Now, either way these kids drove back to damn Pittsburgh from Virginia. Even if Taylor drove 90 mph in the BMW the whole way, it's still taking them a couple of hours at least.
  • The kids then get on an Amtrak train that's magically leaving right away from Pittsburgh to Omaha. Uh huh. One of the Russian bad dudes gets on the train too, and they only manage to make it to Cincinnati before the Russian tries to kill them and instead gets thrown off the train by Taylor, which alerts the CIA and they stop the train and capture Taylor and Lily. Here's one of the main ways the makers of this movie messed up. The train scenes are made to look like they've only been on the train a short time. It would've made more sense for them to have made it to Cleveland, which is near Pittsburgh, rather than Cincinnati which is clear across Ohio in the SW corner, hours away by train.
Once the CIA captures our teen heroes, head agent Alfred Molina utters the line that sent me in a tizzy in the first place - "You guys have been on the run for 22 hours". WHAT?!! Seriously? No fucking way all of this running around and traveling on trains and in automobiles has only taken 22 damn hours! WTF?!
Gah! and don't get me started about the fact that Taylor and Lily then steal a truck and drive BACK TO PITTSBURGH (It would've taken a good 5 hours to drive this!), meet up again with their friend who gets them (last minute VIP) tickets to a Pirates game, where they pull off the climax battle with the head Russian dude, all before dusk. I was seething in my chair.
Of course my teen niece thought I was being ridiculous and told me to "take a chill pill" (um, do they still say this outside of 1987?) but I can't let it go.

Whatever, did I mention that Taylor Lautner and Lily Collins are very pretty?

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