What the hell you guys?!!

Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner called off their engagement! After only 3 months. Well, to be truthful they've been friends forever and have dated off and on since their divorces from Richie Sambora and Kristina Wagner respectively.
So are they just putting the wedding on hold, or are they really splitsville? I was really pulling for them as a couple. Maybe Heather got angry that Jack wasn't singing "All I Need" to her every morning? That's what I would demand if he were my boyfriend.

Remember the 80s when Jack Wagner looked like this?

He made the mullet WERQ people!

Shut Up Tuesday!!!

Things and things - 3rd week of April 2011 edition

Things I'm excited about this week:

• Amazon announced that they're changing/updating the Kindle formatting to allow users to download e-books from public libraries. HALELUJAH!!!!!!!!
• Gossip Girl returned this week and made me realize how much I missed it.

• I haven't talked about the new season of America's Best Dance Crew yet, but so far season 6 is shaping up nicely. I'm already totally in the bag for the Footworkingz crew, and who the hell could guess that D-Trix (aka Dominic Sandoval from Season 3/7 of So You Think You Can Dance) would make such a great judge. He gives constructive and intelligent feedback, can really come from a different place than Lil' Mama and JC because he was an ABDC contestant and winner as part of the Season 3 champs Quest Crew, and seems genuinely excited to be there (ahem Omarion) and not at all condescending (Omarion). And D-Trix so far isn't nearly as spazzy and annoying as he can be when he's hammed it up on SYTYCD in the past. If I can't have my Shane Sparks back, I'll settle for Dom. Other improvements this season have been that so far there's been NO Layla Kayleigh. I never understood her role or the need for another semi-host on this show. This sixth season is the "season of the superstar" or some nonsense, and will focus each week on a different artist's music (instead of also including dance styles like in previous seasons?). For the first 2 episodes the artists themselves introduced the song packages and while they were both kind of wacky (seriously, are Lil' Wayne and Ke$ha on drugs ALL the time?), having the musicians there via videotape made a lot more sense than Layla Kayleigh and her annoying British accent.

• Justified kind of ROCKED MY WORLD this week. My boyfriend Timothy Olyphant was superb as usual as Deputy Raylan Givens, but this week also featured the underappreciated Deputy Tim as a major part of the A plot. After the attempt on Raylan and Winona's lives, Chief Mullen assigns Tim to be Raylan's bodyguard. Of course with halirious results. On any other show, Jacob Pitts would be a star; he infuses Tim with such a laconic, wry dependability. But thems the breaks I guess. When you have the hotness of Olyphant to compete with, you can't help but fade to the background. Last night's ep was totally torn from the pages of my fantasy slash fanfic. See also: Walton Goggins as Boyd Crowder. Hubba hubba...

Things that intrigued me this week (for good or bad):

• James Frey is going back on Oprah?! I was one of the few folks out there that were always in Frey's corner when it came to the debacle over the validity of his memoir A Million Little Pieces and the subsequent dressing down and humiliation that he was subjected to by Oprah back in 2006 (geez, was that really 5 years ago?!). Winfrey's patronizing, holier-than-thou attitude and anger towards Frey was the beginning of my now strong hatred of Oprah. Even after hearing that she later apologized to Frey, I couldn't forgive her for being such a pretentious ass to him. Here's hoping that this final appearance for him on her show will be enlightening and triumphant for Frey. He kind of deserves it. He's had a shitty couple of years.

• The horrifying news on April 20th of the deaths of journalists Tim Hetherington (pictured above) and Chris Hondros and this article on NPR.org have been on my mind. If you haven't seen the Oscar-nominated documentary Restrepo, that Hetherington co-directed with Sebastian Junger please rent it or stream it today.

Things that made me want to punch something/one:

This kid -

Seriously. Stop singing country songs. Stop being the smarmiest smarm that ever smarmed; you're only 17 for crissakes! Stop holding the microphone like a flute with both hands. JUST STOP everything. And America, stop fawking voting for this douchebag.

This huge asshole -

I do not f*cking understand what is wrong with so many damn people in this country. Why on Earth would you ever listen to anything this fawkwad would have to say about running the United States of America? WTF?! He is so ridiculous and enraging. One can only hope that everything indeed plays out as many pundits are predicting, that this whole Trump 2012 campaign nonsense will blow over soon. When even Karl fawking Rove lambasts you, you have to know something's wrong.

American Idol Season 10 - The Final Baker's Dozen

After last season's horror, I had kind of decided that I was through with American Idol. But then came the new judges (I'm an unabashed fan of both J. Lo and Steven Tyler), and although I didn't watch the audition episodes I heard they were a lot better, actually showing people who could sing etc. And they made other changes too like adding online voting. And then came Hollywood Week which is when I would typically start my AI season viewing, and somehow I just got sucked into the machine again.
Then came the top 24 performances this week. I loved the fact that they were being so brutal and not prolonging the torture by cutting 12 folks right away this week to come up with the finalists. But I was so disappointed in the actual 24 people that I felt totally let down. Seriously there were barely 4 performances total that I liked for the week. Last night the finalists were revealed - 10 chosen by America (aka dumbass tween girls and creepy old men) and two 3 chosen as "wild cards" by the judges. I'm non-plussed by the results. There's only a couple of people to root for and there aren't enough people for me to hate (although you're on notice James Durbin and Scotty McTeery). I am firmly on Team Casey and Team Thia who share no common denominator other than they're awesome. And that Stefano kid is okay; also his mother works in my office so I feel like I kind of have to cheer for him. But I won't be wasting valuable DVR space on this show. I think I'll be catching the performances online the next day and maybe throwing some votes Thia's and Casey's way on americanidol.com

"So, there you go."

Thoughts on this week's episode of The Challenge: Cut(My)throat -

• Awesome part 1: Batshit crazy Katie!!! Gawddam, I love this little psycho. And I felt so bad for her when her team sent her into the Gulag instead of useless, annoying Theresa. I'm glad Katie lived to fight (and beat/scream down bitches) another day.
• Awesome part 2: After Katie (rightfully) flipped the f*ck out on Ty for being a mysogonistic, hypocritical asshole, Derrick's response regarding Ty and Emily getting a taste of Katie's crazy - "So...there you go."
• Awesome part 3: The Red Team won this week so Brandon didn't have to go into the Gulag.

• My obsession with Johnny Bananas' hair week #3: I'm truly trying to rack my brain to remember if Bananas always had such whack, fake looking hair and I just ignored it. But I don't recall it ever being this bad - Hair Club For Men lookin', flat-ironed weirdness.

• Awesome part 4: Bananas got punched in the face by a Czech citizen. Thank you brave man whoever you are!
• Awesome part 5: "Medium" Easy whipped dumb Vinnie's ass in the Gulag! And then Vinnie was so mad about it that he acted like a little whiner afterwards. Now, I hope that the rest of the Blue team (minus loyal Derrick and Katie) step up and appreciate the good that Easy brings to their team. Send Bananas into the Gulag you dumbasses!

• Horrible Laurel and her hate-filled spew towards Erik was easily one of the grossest things I've ever seen on this show. Laurel is a digusting mess, who has some SERIOUS mental health issues.

Above: Laurel keepin' it classy in the hot tub.
Who needs mixed drinks when you can just mix your own directly in your mouth?!

Oh Lindsay...what are we going to do about you?

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 3 months in jail! She doesn't have to start her sentence right away and it's still unclear whether the judge will let her be under house arrest for the 90 days, but either way she has to hand herself over to the authorities on July 20 and continue to wear her alcohol monitoring anklet until then.

Don't you just love the "WHATEVER, you dumbass spoiled bitch" look that Lohan's attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley is sporting in this photo?!

I also love the story on Huffington Post (and other media outlets) about the "F*ck U" message Lindsay sported on her finger nails and the pathetic notes and excuses she was jotting down on her little notepad during the procedure. Hee HEE Gosh, I really do love to hate her.

This "Twilight" Madness has gone too far!

I blame not hearing about this nonsense before today on being sick and out of it for the latter part of December.

Washington state's once sleepy little res town is supposedly getting its own reality tv show! This saddens me more than you can know.

Okay, I don't really blame the residents of Forks. Before Stephenie Meyers and the Twilight juggernaut, this town was poor and really pretty depressing. So I get that some/all of the folks that live there want to cash in on this thing as much as they can, while they can. But damn does it seem exploitative and gross.

Most of the town's shops and businesses have turned over to some kind of Twilight themed nonsense like the once quaint Pacific Inn, whose Twilight themed room is shown in the picture below. So even though this reality show will supposedly not focus on the books/movies and just be about the "regular folk" in Forks, there's no way that it won't end up being bad for all involved.

And it's all going to crash and burn within the next decade and I think Forks will end up being even worse off than they were 5 years ago. So while I will continue to travel out on the peninsula to the Pacific coast, I won't be going back to Forks anytime soon. I'm not interested in Bella Berry smoothies or Cullen caramel.

5 Things I know are true - TAR edition

1. The roadblock with the ringing telephones would've unhinged me. I can't stand ringing phones. It's such a horrible sound. Especially old school rotary phones. But I will say one thing. If I did have to suffer through that torture I certainly would've fuckin' figured out that the letters were an anagram for "Franz" as in KAFKA, one of the 20th century's most famous writers!! WTF?! How did no one recognize this? How was Big Easy there for almost 3 hours(!) before giving up and taking a 4 hour penalty? The only person I may give a small pass to is Brian who was drunk on absinthe. And he figured it out before anyone else anyway. Sigh.
2. Gay brothers Sam and Dan are ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!! I understand that it's a race for a million $$. And I'm not saying that Dan should've given Big Easy the answer at the Roadblock...except yes I am. If Dan didn't want to share information he shouldn't have agreed to do so. Making that deal with the Globetrotter and then being a colossal dick when he lucked out with the answer (he certainly never harnessed enough brain power to figure out that the word was the first name of a famous author) was a totally bogus move, race or not. And don't get me started on the cab thing with Meghan and Cheyne. I totally defended the brothers last week when they took Brian and Ericka's cab because it's a race and really it was the cab driver that made the final assy decision to leave with the brothers. But to then have the tables turned with Meghan and Cheyne trying to, politely I might add, get the brothers' cab and for them to again be such assholes makes me want to kick them right in the nuts. And they really need to stop whining and yelling at each other. I really need Karma to bite these dudes. Sam and Dan better be glad I'm not going to the finale party this year.
3. Drunk Czechs are funny. And annoying. Who knew that the Czech Republic consumes the most beer of any country in Europe. See? Reality tv can teach you something. I have to say that I really enjoyed this "Prague at night" leg of the race.
4. I kind of love Brian and Ericka. Oh my god their beer Detour was so frustrating for them but entertaining for us. But seriously they are really supportive and patient with each other. I would love to see them finish in 2nd place. (see below)
5. Meghan and Cheyne deserve to win this season of The Amazing Race. I find them rather boring but boy have they raced well and more importantly been very consistent and logical.

Big Brother 11 DRAMA

I won't get too spoilery for those of you who don't keep up with the live feeds, but this, up until now boring and tedious, season of Big Brother just got CRAZY.

First, CBS decided to run a taped show instead of a live one on Thursday because outgoing HOH Chima had threatened the producers all week that she was going to go bat-shit crazy on everyone during the live show in front of millions because she suspected that one of the houseguests would use the special "Coup d'etat" power allowing them to overturn her HOH. So they moved to a taped show so that they control anything that might happen before broadcasting. Production has been conceding to Chima's threats all season; ever since she went "off script" during the first eviction and railed against Braden for being a rascist, BB has been a little scared of Chima.
Next, after Michele won HOH on Thursday a whole ton of crap went down with Chima, Natalie, and Lydia banding together moaning and literally crying over Jessie's ouster; going over the BB rule book with a fine-tooth comb to make sure they couldn't catch any mess up that Jeff, Michele, or Russ might've done; taking and hiding Jeff's clothes and his rosary beads; hogging the washer/dryer by doing endless cycles of wash and sitting on top of the machines so nobody else could use them; flipping off and screaming at production whenever asked to put on their mics, or go to the diary room - and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Just when I was about to write this season off, it goes and gets ridiculously dramatic and wonderful. I won't say more, but just you wait until Tuesday's (Aug. 18) show. Way to go Grodner; damn you and your CBS monkeys for pulling me in again.

Good job MTV!

Each season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge gets worse and worse but I still keep getting sucked in!
Maybe it's because watching all of these douches on my tv makes me feel so much better about myself. Or maybe it's because of little gems like watching CT go absoFAWKINGapeshit on Adam because of a stupid "Three's Company" like misunderstanding.
Just watch the video; and understand that this minute and a half of footage is so tame compared to the rest of what went down during the fight. And it's made all the funnier because of little touches like the fact that Adam was fighting while wearing adult-sized footie pajamas with playing cards embroidered on them. It rarely gets better than that.

VIDEO: It’s The Return Of CT’s Violent Temper!

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Oh, and I almost forgot - SHUT UP DIEM!

Things that are annoying me today

• Why does my company insist on running the A/C when it's 43 degrees outside?! What a waste of fawking money! It's FREEZING in here dammit!
• Why and how is it that my iPod headphones are forever tangled. And not just simple tangles - tangled so badly it's as if some demon fairy has gone and braided the main cord and little Y-cords. WTF? All I did was place the iPod in my bag, or my pocket, or on my desk for crissakes! How does the cord get so fawked up?!
• F-off Starbucks drive through on MLK way! Who designed this place? Horrible entrance spaces, no sort of direction or signage to indicate where you're supposed to place your order versus pay for it. Having to go to 3 separate places in the drive-through before you get your cup-'o-joe? F'in annoying!
• F! U! Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services. No, not for anything that's connected to my job, but for messing up my dad's benefits this week. WHAT A HASSLE I'm dealing with having to get shit corrected. Grrrrrrrrr...

More a$$holes I hate this week...

Is John Thain, former jack-off CEO of Merrill Lynch, a recovering burn victim orsomething? I don't see anything in his Wikipedia page that indicates as such but Gah! he's scary looking . Why is the skin on his head so plastic? And why do the planes of his face look like they've been scuplted out of silly putty?

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Gawd, people suck.

Why are people such blow-hard a$$holes?

One of the highlights of the 56th inauguration last week was the beautiful classical music piece called "Air and Simple Gifts", composed by John Williams and performed by the enchanting quartet made up of classical greats Yo-yo Ma, Itzhak Perlman, Anthony McGill, and Gabriela Montero.

I'm not kidding when I say that I got chills (the good kind, not the ones I had the other 5 hours because I was standing in one place in the freezing cold) and a little teary-eyed listening to this piece of music, and immediately made plans to purchase a recording of the piece the minute I could get to my iTunes account.

So imagine my surprise when today I read an article where pianist Gabriela Montero was defending the quartet against accusations that they were Milli Vanilli like frauds because on inauguration day they played along with a recording of them that was made the night before.

ARE YOU FAWKING KIDDING ME?!

First of all, it was 10 degrees and windy; and from what I've heard and know about instruments they don't really work that well in extreme temperatures. Did you see the little finger-less gloves Montero was wearing on her frozen ice-blue hands? And poor Itzhak and McGill looked like they could barely move their arms and hands they were so bundled up. Only Yo-yo Ma seemed even somewhat comfortable, but even he had a red wind-chapped face (which was the only thing on his body not swathed in wool). So yes, it's an issue if your piano keys are sticking and your cello strings are threatening to snap, that you might want to have a back-up, a plan B.

Most importantly, these four weren't playing to some crowd of a thousand people - there were TWO MILLION of us out there! All the microphones in the world aren't going to be able to amp enough sound out from these live instruments in order for people to hear. So yes, of course they played along with a recording. DUH!

And the quartet conveyed such beautiful emotion while playing that it's a shame that there are a bunch of blow-hards with their smelling salt all up in arms over the recording. For shame! Untwist your panties and lighten the hell up!

Damn you Heroin!

Damn you for Heroin for making me hate Steven Adler.

I grew so fond of him during this past season of Celebrity Rehab. But then you had to go and take his fragile hold on sobriety and yank it out of his hands with your crazy power.
What is it about you Heroin that makes people go so crazy over you? Jesus, look what you've done to poor Steven -

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One of my favorite things so far in 2009

This moment from the reunion show for "Rock of Love: Charm School":

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What the H - E - double hockey sticks has happened to Hal Sparks?

Have you seen the actor/"comedian" Hal Sparks lately? He used to be so cute, in that next door neighbor, your friend's brother kind of way.

See exhibit A:

But today I was watching one of those countdown shows that VH-1 seems to do so often, you know, something like the "100 Greatest Songs about Food" or whatever and the ubiquitous Hal Sparks of course was one of the panelists providing commentary and OH. MY. GOD. What the fawk happened to him?

His hair?! It's long. And stringy, yet flyaway. And greasy, yet frizzy. And he has a soul patch. And strange wrinkles. And geezus, he's only a little bit older than me. Duuuuuuuuuuude.

He looks like this now - Exhibit B:

And besides the occasional stupid VH-1 gig, what has he been up to lately? Any real jobs? You know, something besides awful reality shows like "Celebrity Douchebag Magician" or "Celebrity Cruise Ship Singer"?

Hmmm...IMDB says that he did a kid's cartoon this past year called Tak & The Power of Juju. Sounds humiliating. Hal babe? It's the hair. I'm telling you. Cut it and lose the crap on your face too (and possibly fire your agent) and you'll be back in the game in no time.

I'm begging you. Do it for the children. Won't someone think of the children?!