Wednesday, September 28, 2011
WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME?!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Some thoughts on "Abduction"
Or should I say ABduction, because Taylor Lautner's chest was out of control in this movie. I know it's cliche and totally pervy for someone my age, old enough to be his mother, to have inappropriate lustful thoughts about Taylor Lautner, but damn he truly is a beautiful specimen of man.
I saw this film on Sunday with a 15 year old teenage girl who appropriately gushed all over Lautner and the movie. She loved it, and if that's the producers' target audience I think they should do well.
And while I was entertained for the 90 minutes, I did have SERIOUS issues with the ridiculous timeline it followed, and I had a hard time ignoring the inconsistencies.So allow me to rant a little.
The folks in this movie live in nice suburban Pennsylvania outside of Pittsburgh. I was actually really excited to see a movie set in this part of the country; I've got family in that area and it really is a great place to live and it was nice to see Pittsburgh get exposure, instead of NYC or even Philadelphia.
Without getting too spoilerish, here's the sequence of events that set off our story of two teens on the run from the CIA and Russian terrorists:
Gah! and don't get me started about the fact that Taylor and Lily then steal a truck and drive BACK TO PITTSBURGH (It would've taken a good 5 hours to drive this!), meet up again with their friend who gets them (last minute VIP) tickets to a Pirates game, where they pull off the climax battle with the head Russian dude, all before dusk. I was seething in my chair.
Of course my teen niece thought I was being ridiculous and told me to "take a chill pill" (um, do they still say this outside of 1987?) but I can't let it go.
Whatever, did I mention that Taylor Lautner and Lily Collins are very pretty?
I saw this film on Sunday with a 15 year old teenage girl who appropriately gushed all over Lautner and the movie. She loved it, and if that's the producers' target audience I think they should do well.
And while I was entertained for the 90 minutes, I did have SERIOUS issues with the ridiculous timeline it followed, and I had a hard time ignoring the inconsistencies.So allow me to rant a little.
The folks in this movie live in nice suburban Pennsylvania outside of Pittsburgh. I was actually really excited to see a movie set in this part of the country; I've got family in that area and it really is a great place to live and it was nice to see Pittsburgh get exposure, instead of NYC or even Philadelphia.
Without getting too spoilerish, here's the sequence of events that set off our story of two teens on the run from the CIA and Russian terrorists:
- Sometime around 6 or 7 in the evening (assumed because it's after school and around dinner time but only sort of dark out) Lautner and Lily Collins' characters fight Russians and watch Lautner's house blow up. They take off on a motorcycle to a hospital to have a cut on Lily's arm patched up.
- Shenanigans ensue at the hospital, but they were there long enough to get her arm fixed, for him to call 911 and get freaked out by the CIA and then Sigourney Weaver hustles our teens out in her BMW (which by the way was a HUGE sponsor of this movie). I'll be generous and say that this whole post-house explosion hospital stuff only took an hour but either way, when Sigourney drives off with our teens, it's at least 8pm. As she drives them towards the edge of town Weaver instructs them to get their asses to a secret apartment in Arlington, VA and lay low.
- Sigourney's car is followed and attacked but the kids jump out in time and start running through the woods. They camp and sleep at the base of a tree. They wake the next morning. Even if we're supposed to believe it's early, at least 9 hours has passed.
- The kids then hitch a ride in a 18-wheeler to Arlington; which is a suburb of Washington, D.C., and even if that truck was hauling ass, there's no way that they're making that drive in under 4 hours. So we're now talking a minimum of them being on the run for 13 hours.A minimum.
- Once in VA they take time to shop for new clothes, shower and change in the apartment and Lautner finds clues about his parents. Again, there's no way they could have done all of this in less than 2 hours, but I'll suspend my disbelief and give them only an hour. But we're definitely talking about the middle of day 2 at this point.
- The kids find a clue and have to go to a cemetery. Here's where my young companion and I disagreed; I said that the film infers that they drove (in a BMW natch) back to Pittsburgh to go to this cemetery; the teen thinks that the grave was somewhere in Arlington. Either way, afterwards they figure out they have to ditch the car and get to Nebraska, so they arrange a meeting with their high school friend back in Pittsburgh, who gives them fake IDs so that they can continue their journey. Now, either way these kids drove back to damn Pittsburgh from Virginia. Even if Taylor drove 90 mph in the BMW the whole way, it's still taking them a couple of hours at least.
- The kids then get on an Amtrak train that's magically leaving right away from Pittsburgh to Omaha. Uh huh. One of the Russian bad dudes gets on the train too, and they only manage to make it to Cincinnati before the Russian tries to kill them and instead gets thrown off the train by Taylor, which alerts the CIA and they stop the train and capture Taylor and Lily. Here's one of the main ways the makers of this movie messed up. The train scenes are made to look like they've only been on the train a short time. It would've made more sense for them to have made it to Cleveland, which is near Pittsburgh, rather than Cincinnati which is clear across Ohio in the SW corner, hours away by train.
Gah! and don't get me started about the fact that Taylor and Lily then steal a truck and drive BACK TO PITTSBURGH (It would've taken a good 5 hours to drive this!), meet up again with their friend who gets them (last minute VIP) tickets to a Pirates game, where they pull off the climax battle with the head Russian dude, all before dusk. I was seething in my chair.
Of course my teen niece thought I was being ridiculous and told me to "take a chill pill" (um, do they still say this outside of 1987?) but I can't let it go.
Whatever, did I mention that Taylor Lautner and Lily Collins are very pretty?
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Fall TV 2011 - Returning "Favorites"
Just in time for premieres starting this week, let's talk about returning TV shows now -
Parenthood
Returns: September 13 at 10 PM on NBC
Why I’m still watching: I love the Bravermans! They are probably my favorite TV family. And Jason Ritter is back where he belongs after leaving to be on the failed dumb show The Event.
America's Next Top Model
Returns: September 14 at 9 PM on The CW
Why I’m still watching: It's All-Stars time! Transgendered Isis, drunk Lisa, Angelea "From The Block", sweet Laura and other bitches are back for more fighting and runway stomping. I still hate Tyra Banks with every fiber of my being, but damn if she can't produce an addictive show.
The Sing-Off
Returns: September 19 at 8 PM on NBC
Why I’m still watching: Nicole Scherzinger left for The X Factor and singer Sara Barielles has joined the judges panel instead, which should be a good thing because this show already has the good fortune of having the best reality competition judging on television. They're getting a major upgrade from short end-of-the-year filler to a full-on series but I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not - we'll see. Still, an acapella show choir competition? YES!!!!
How I Met Your Mother
Returns: September 19 at 8 PM on CBS
Why I’m still watching: Marshall and Lily's baby will arrive sometime during the season which may or may not ruin things; we presumably find out more about Barney's wedding; maybe we'll finally get an answer to who the fucking mother is?!! Not likely and even though I increasingly HATE Ted, I do still love Marshall and Lily and would happily watch a show that was just about them.
Hawaii Five-0
Returns: September 19 at 10 PM on CBS
Why I’m still watching: Terry O'Quinn is joining the cast! And from the commercials, it's obvious that McGarrett will get off the hook for the governor's murder. This show is like the television equivalent of rice krispy treats. Utterly uncomplicated and nicely tasty.
Glee
Returns: September 20 at 8 PM on Fox
Why I’m still watching: I'm one of the few folks out there seemingly (especially above the age of 30) that still finds this show delightful. Sure it has its hits and misses but generally it's one of the most enjoyable parts of my tv watching week. I seriously don't understand some of the criticism it takes. Anyway, I was really sad and a little annoyed to hear that Chord Overstreet wasn't coming back; not because I was particularly enamored with Trouty Mouth, but because his leaving means that we won't get a continued love story between him and Mercedes, which would have been a brave subject for this show to tackle. But I am excited to see how the writers deal with Kurt, Finn and Rachel's senior year. And since I didn't watch The Glee Project I'm interested to see how those kids are written in as well.
Raising Hope
Returns: September 20 at 9:30 PM on Fox
Why I’m still watching: Probably my favorite new show from last year. LOVE Martha Plimpton and Garrett Dillahunt as the funniest grandparents on tv.
Modern Family
Returns: September 21 at 9 PM on ABC
Why I’m still watching: If the Parenthood peeps are my favorite family on a TV drama, the Pritchett-Dunphy clan are my faves in the Comedy category. Love.
Happy Endings
Returns: September 21 at 9:30 PM on ABC
Why I’m still watching: It felt like I was one of the few people out there who caught this mid-season replacement show this past spring. I didn't want to like it but kind of ended up loving it by the end of its run. I thought for sure that ABC would've canceled it, but instead they brought it back for a new full season. ABC is weird you guys.
Law & Order: SVU
Returns: September 21 at 10 PM on NBC
Why I’m still watching: Christopher Meloni has left :-(, Mariska Hargitay is supposedly cutting back her amount of eps, and they've added a few new detectives that aren't Munch and Ice-T. Not to mention the fact that I'm still smarting over the loss of L&O:LA and Corey Stoll's beautiful moustache. So why am I still looking forward to this show? BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY ONE LEFT DAMMIT!!! I can't live on L&O reruns alone. Sigh...
Parks & Recreation
Returns: September 22 at 8:30 PM on NBC
Why I’m still watching: The more important question is - Why aren't YOU watching this phenomenal show?! The amount of friends that I have that refuse to watch the funniest show on television really upsets me. Yes, it was weak when it first started (3 fucking years ago); it's improved to surpass any other comedy on tv in terms of laughs, timing, acting, and writing. Get with the fucking program people.
This season we will meet Tammy 1 and Ron Swanson's mother. God help us.
Grey's Anatomy
Returns: September 15 at 9 PM on ABC (Note: a lot of web sites list the premiere date as 9/22 but I trust my Tivo)
Why I’m still watching: Because. I'm invested in these dumb gits at this point. And because I still think Justin Chambers and Eric Dane and their respective characters, Dr. Alex Karev and Dr. Mark Sloan, are effin' hot. And because I still find it amusing as a Seattle resident to see the outside location shots and where they supposedly have scenes taking place - Bainbridge Island is NOT West Seattle. And because it's one of the only things left that my dad and I can have conversations about without me wanting to murder him.
CSI: New York/CSI: Original Recipe aka Las Vegas
Returns: September 22 and 23 at 9 PM on CBS
Why I’m still watching: For the past several years NY has been the only part of the franchise that I've consistently watched so I feel sort of loyal. NY is coming back for an abbreviated season, and the premiere is supposedly going to tackle/pay tribute to 9/11 which might be maudlin and annoying or could be great. Las Vegas has Ted Danson taking over the lead reins from Laurence Fishburne which might be really cool so I'm going to at least watch the first couple of eps, at least until Jorja Fox annoys me too much (which might be within the initial 10 minutes).
Gossip Girl
Returns: September 26 at 8 PM on The CW
Why I’m still watching: I love these stupid, privileged wankers. Especially now that Jenny Humphreys and Vanessa Abrams are out of the damn picture.
Hung
Returns: October 2 at 10 PM on HBO
Why I’m still watching: The continuing struggles of part-time prostitute Ray are always fun to watch. Plus supposedly this season we're getting the full frontal male nudity that we've all(?) been clamoring for.
Dexter
Returns: October 2 at 9 PM on Showtime
Why I’m still watching: I'm not going to lie, last season (5) was kind of a let down for me. It was good, but coming after the incredible 4th season it just didn't hold up. But for season 6 they've moved the show a little into the future, about a year, and I think that will shake things up in a nice way. Edward James Olmos, Mos Def and Colin Hanks will be guest starring this time around. Can't wait.
Parenthood
Returns: September 13 at 10 PM on NBC
Why I’m still watching: I love the Bravermans! They are probably my favorite TV family. And Jason Ritter is back where he belongs after leaving to be on the failed dumb show The Event.
America's Next Top Model
Returns: September 14 at 9 PM on The CW
Why I’m still watching: It's All-Stars time! Transgendered Isis, drunk Lisa, Angelea "From The Block", sweet Laura and other bitches are back for more fighting and runway stomping. I still hate Tyra Banks with every fiber of my being, but damn if she can't produce an addictive show.
The Sing-Off
Returns: September 19 at 8 PM on NBC
Why I’m still watching: Nicole Scherzinger left for The X Factor and singer Sara Barielles has joined the judges panel instead, which should be a good thing because this show already has the good fortune of having the best reality competition judging on television. They're getting a major upgrade from short end-of-the-year filler to a full-on series but I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not - we'll see. Still, an acapella show choir competition? YES!!!!
How I Met Your Mother
Returns: September 19 at 8 PM on CBS
Why I’m still watching: Marshall and Lily's baby will arrive sometime during the season which may or may not ruin things; we presumably find out more about Barney's wedding; maybe we'll finally get an answer to who the fucking mother is?!! Not likely and even though I increasingly HATE Ted, I do still love Marshall and Lily and would happily watch a show that was just about them.
Hawaii Five-0
Returns: September 19 at 10 PM on CBS
Why I’m still watching: Terry O'Quinn is joining the cast! And from the commercials, it's obvious that McGarrett will get off the hook for the governor's murder. This show is like the television equivalent of rice krispy treats. Utterly uncomplicated and nicely tasty.
Glee
Returns: September 20 at 8 PM on Fox
Why I’m still watching: I'm one of the few folks out there seemingly (especially above the age of 30) that still finds this show delightful. Sure it has its hits and misses but generally it's one of the most enjoyable parts of my tv watching week. I seriously don't understand some of the criticism it takes. Anyway, I was really sad and a little annoyed to hear that Chord Overstreet wasn't coming back; not because I was particularly enamored with Trouty Mouth, but because his leaving means that we won't get a continued love story between him and Mercedes, which would have been a brave subject for this show to tackle. But I am excited to see how the writers deal with Kurt, Finn and Rachel's senior year. And since I didn't watch The Glee Project I'm interested to see how those kids are written in as well.
Raising Hope
Returns: September 20 at 9:30 PM on Fox
Why I’m still watching: Probably my favorite new show from last year. LOVE Martha Plimpton and Garrett Dillahunt as the funniest grandparents on tv.
Modern Family
Returns: September 21 at 9 PM on ABC
Why I’m still watching: If the Parenthood peeps are my favorite family on a TV drama, the Pritchett-Dunphy clan are my faves in the Comedy category. Love.
Happy Endings
Returns: September 21 at 9:30 PM on ABC
Why I’m still watching: It felt like I was one of the few people out there who caught this mid-season replacement show this past spring. I didn't want to like it but kind of ended up loving it by the end of its run. I thought for sure that ABC would've canceled it, but instead they brought it back for a new full season. ABC is weird you guys.
Law & Order: SVU
Returns: September 21 at 10 PM on NBC
Why I’m still watching: Christopher Meloni has left :-(, Mariska Hargitay is supposedly cutting back her amount of eps, and they've added a few new detectives that aren't Munch and Ice-T. Not to mention the fact that I'm still smarting over the loss of L&O:LA and Corey Stoll's beautiful moustache. So why am I still looking forward to this show? BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY ONE LEFT DAMMIT!!! I can't live on L&O reruns alone. Sigh...
Parks & Recreation
Returns: September 22 at 8:30 PM on NBC
Why I’m still watching: The more important question is - Why aren't YOU watching this phenomenal show?! The amount of friends that I have that refuse to watch the funniest show on television really upsets me. Yes, it was weak when it first started (3 fucking years ago); it's improved to surpass any other comedy on tv in terms of laughs, timing, acting, and writing. Get with the fucking program people.
This season we will meet Tammy 1 and Ron Swanson's mother. God help us.
Grey's Anatomy
Returns: September 15 at 9 PM on ABC (Note: a lot of web sites list the premiere date as 9/22 but I trust my Tivo)
Why I’m still watching: Because. I'm invested in these dumb gits at this point. And because I still think Justin Chambers and Eric Dane and their respective characters, Dr. Alex Karev and Dr. Mark Sloan, are effin' hot. And because I still find it amusing as a Seattle resident to see the outside location shots and where they supposedly have scenes taking place - Bainbridge Island is NOT West Seattle. And because it's one of the only things left that my dad and I can have conversations about without me wanting to murder him.
CSI: New York/CSI: Original Recipe aka Las Vegas
Returns: September 22 and 23 at 9 PM on CBS
Why I’m still watching: For the past several years NY has been the only part of the franchise that I've consistently watched so I feel sort of loyal. NY is coming back for an abbreviated season, and the premiere is supposedly going to tackle/pay tribute to 9/11 which might be maudlin and annoying or could be great. Las Vegas has Ted Danson taking over the lead reins from Laurence Fishburne which might be really cool so I'm going to at least watch the first couple of eps, at least until Jorja Fox annoys me too much (which might be within the initial 10 minutes).
Gossip Girl
Returns: September 26 at 8 PM on The CW
Why I’m still watching: I love these stupid, privileged wankers. Especially now that Jenny Humphreys and Vanessa Abrams are out of the damn picture.
Hung
Returns: October 2 at 10 PM on HBO
Why I’m still watching: The continuing struggles of part-time prostitute Ray are always fun to watch. Plus supposedly this season we're getting the full frontal male nudity that we've all(?) been clamoring for.
Dexter
Returns: October 2 at 9 PM on Showtime
Why I’m still watching: I'm not going to lie, last season (5) was kind of a let down for me. It was good, but coming after the incredible 4th season it just didn't hold up. But for season 6 they've moved the show a little into the future, about a year, and I think that will shake things up in a nice way. Edward James Olmos, Mos Def and Colin Hanks will be guest starring this time around. Can't wait.
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